Athletes and injuries go hand in hand. Competing at whatever level you attain is often compromised at some point by a niggle, a pull, a strain and if you are really unlucky a break. How many athletes would admit to a 'mental' injury however? My name is Ben Carlson-Oakes, a husband, an athlete and I suffer from depression.
In my experience the usual answer to feeling low, exhausted and going badly on the bike/pool/tarmac is to train harder: "I'm riding like a bag of spanners so I should ride harder, faster and longer" - see Rule #5 of the Velominati rules of the road.
There are numerous studies and reports looking into high level athletes suffering from post race/post career depression, unable to relive the highs and success in normal life. But what if you are not trying to recreate that winning feeling or the buzz of competing in front of a live TV audience; what if you are just trying to get out of bed to complete a 5k training run, or even just get out of bed?
2012 should have been a fantastic year. In the previous September myself and my girlfriend got engaged and had planned a fantastic winter wedding for 22nd December 2012 in God's country; yes that's right, North Yorkshire. I had been doing my fair share of road racing, getting my BCF 2nd Cat license and placing well in local club time trials. My plan was to have a big year on my bike, keep ticking over my swimming and running, put in a good off-season of training and then in 2013 sign up for an Ironman distance triathlon. I have always been drawn to Ironman, ever since I saw Mark Allen and Dave Scott's epic battle in the 'Iron War' in 1989 and Julie Moss's amazing fortitude and will to finish.
I am not new to long distance triathlon, in my younger days I enjoyed a decent finishing position in the Half Ironman in Llanberis, 2001 and I also represented Great Britain at 'Age Group' level at the Long Course World Championships in both Nice, 2002 and Ibiza, 2003. However, the lure of the full Ironman distance has always captivated me. So I figured on the back of a big year on the bike and a solid winter of running and swimming: what better way to set me up for an Ironman.
In May of 2012 my Nana passed away after a stroke which left me numb. As a physiotherapist in the hospital she died in, I was the point of contact between my family and the hospital staff; looking back I did not mourn. I was merely a medical professional, not a grieving grandson, dealing with the death of a sweet old lady. As the matriarch of my family the loss hit us all hard. So what did I do? I just buried my head into work and training and followed Rule #5.
Work that year was up and down. I was a respected team member in my department and had a great relationship with my bosses and colleagues but had failed at a couple of interviews to secure a promotion. Again the only answer was to do more. If any of you have planned a wedding you will know that it is just a little bit stressful with everyone and their aunt wanting to give you helpful advice on how to create the perfect day, like some crazed transcendental meditation teacher explaining the levels to true enlightenment. One such meeting with my father and stepmother resulted in a massive argument over our choice to have a double-barreled surname. This argument then spiraled out of control and resulted in both my father and stepmother not attending to our wedding...head in sand, see Rule #5.
In October a chest infection and recurrent colds forced me to cut my training right back; at the time I was trying to complete minimum 12 hour training weeks! Twelve hour training weeks on top of a 37.5hr working week on top of a wedding to plan, in October - isn't that the off-season!?! Looking back, the signs were all there. One Wednesday I can vividly remember a three hour steady bike ride with some friends and desperately struggling to keep up, even on the flat. Sat in the cafe I had a strong coffee and contemplated my form. I felt slightly on edge and anxious as I recall, but just put that down to the caffeine. I got back home, put my bike away, sat on the couch and began to cry. I think I cried and slept until my fiancée came in from work then the tears started again.
On the following Monday I was presenting at an important course in hospital for newly qualified staff. I had been feeling unwell on the morning before I arrived, slightly nauseous and dizzy but again I just carried on. Halfway through the training I had an overwhelming urge to get out of the room, I was hot, sweaty and not thinking straight, the lights in the room became intensely bright and my vision became very disorientated. I made my excuses to the staff and asked a bewildered colleague to cover for me, went down to see my manager in her office and completely broke down.
My fiancée, who fortunately worked in the same hospital, came over to take me home and look after me for a couple of days. I'd be fine in a couple of days, I mean come on what was the matter with me, crying all the time and being soft - it's not like I just had a nervous breakdown or anything. Days turned into weeks, herbal medicines turned into prescribed medicines and training evaporated into just getting out of bed. In those dark days I began to see a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist who was brilliant; she made me break down those negative thoughts and feelings into understandable, less threatening messages.
Slowly I started to get back into a routine and I began yoga. I have never been the most flexible individual; never been able to touch my toes and certainly would not stretch out post race...collapse in a heap yes, stretch no! Please do not be under any illusion, yoga is hard. These little old ladies and skinny gym bunnies make it look effortless but it is hard work. I enjoyed it, especially the part at the end where you could fall asleep for 15 minutes, but it was too passive for someone used to endurance events. I began to run again, very slowly at first but regularly. Whereas before I could knock out one hour runs without thinking, now 25 minutes around the park was my limit. My bike was banished to the garage and swimming was not even on the agenda. Slowly I increased my running distance and added some gym sessions, gym classes and very steady 20 mile bike rides.
Our wedding day was magnificent, even if it was very emotional. Our honeymoon in New Hampshire was fantastic and we skied, something I had not done for some 15 years. When we got back fate intervened with a new job and a new start, both very positive and just what I needed. My injury continues to improve and slowly I am returning to my old self. Depression, or 'the injury' as I think of it, still flares up now and then as would a hamstring or achilles strain after a hard interval set. I go through the same doubt and anxiety as my 'black dog' comes to stay for a few days. I feel honored sometimes to be in the same company as Sir Winston Churchill, Bob Dylan and Stephen Fry - injured, but not defeated. It is hard to cope but knowing that these feelings will pass and they are not real helps me get through. The other thing that helps me get through is the unwavering support of my now wife, who is there for me no matter what has happened or how bad I get. She is without doubt my rock to cling to, without which I would have fallen long ago.
When I first sat writing this account it was 1st September 2013, and I had just had a really bad day of anxiety and upset. However, that week I entered the Gran Fondo Mont Ventoux, and exactly 9 months later I would go on to cross the finish line. I will go on to complete my Ironman dream no matter what injuries I have, physical or mental. If I need to race with my 'black dog' beside me then I will, and he'll just have to try to keep up - if not, he better see Rule #5.
If I have learned anything and can pass on any advice it would be not to be embarrassed to admit you are injured mentally. As athletes we can understand and quantify physical injuries as easily as a child understands that 2 + 2 = 4. Mental injuries are a lot harder to comprehend. Simply going at it harder is not the answer, and sometimes we need time out to make sense of what in our lives is affecting not only our sporting form but our way of living. Listen to your body and mind: we need both to be in top form to live life and compete in our chosen disciplines.
My name is Ben Carlson-Oakes, a husband, an athlete and I suffer from depression. But I won't let it beat me.
Steven Burke offers his top sportive tips ahead of Etape Pennines
Olympic Gold-winning athlete Steven "The Colne Cyclone" Burke knows a thing or two about riding long distances. In 2012 he won the Olympic and World Championships in the Team Pursuit Discipline, he races for Haribo-Beacon, is never off his bike and has to maintain peak fitness throughout the year. In April Steven rode part of the Marie Curie Cancer Care Etape Pennines route with fellow Olympian and World Record Holder-turned-TV presenter Jonathan Edwards and offered him tips on training, pacing, gear selection and nutrition.
Etape Pennines is widely regarded as one of the most challenging yet stunning sportives or gran fondos in the UK. Starting and finishing in County Durham, the 60 mile course takes riders through the rugged and undulating North East scenery. The route has 2,366 meters of climbing to overcome, equivalent to the summit of Col d'Izoard - the highest point of this year's Tour de France, climbed on stage 14 from Grenoble. Etape Pennines is a tough ride, but with panoramic views and speedy downhill sections to look forward to, hard work is duly rewarded. The people who complete the route prove themselves to be seriously good cyclists and so it's an incredible challenge enjoyed by thousands of people each year.
Having recently ridden Etape Pennines, Steven offers his top tips in preparation for cycling long rides and sportives or gran fondos:
What would you eat for breakfast before a big ride?
Before a significant event I usually have porridge topped with agave nectar or honey and some nuts and fruit mixed in. I also have a coffee - normally a double espresso to wake me up. I then start to drink plenty of water to hydrate well before the ride.
On a long ride, what's your nutrition strategy?
I tend to eat about one item per hour. I normally consume bars first, saving gels for the last couple of hours, and then a caffeine gel just before I get in a race situation with 45 mins to go. Sometimes a bit of cake is just as good, or any item with a high sugar and energy content.
What are your top tips for gear selections on a hilly route?
If it's a long route like Etape Pennines then it's generally best to keep gears low for the first couple of hours - you'll feel better and stronger for it. Keep the cadence high and the gears not too hard, otherwise you'll pay for it later.
Do you still get nervous before a big event?
Yes, I do! It's a good thing though as nerves and adrenaline keep you focused and your heart rate elevated. I recommend all Etape Pennines participants to think positively on the day. Yes it's a challenging ride, but the descents and views make it all the more rewarding.
What's your advice on the best way to recover after a hard ride?
The most important thing is a protein drink within 20 minutes of finishing a ride. After that I'll give it a half hour before enjoying a good meal. Sometimes after a ride or race I use compression tights as they help muscles recover for the next day.
Marie Curie Cancer Care is the official charity partner of the Etape Series. The money raised by participants will enable the charity to provide more free, hands-on nursing care to people with terminal illness either at home, or in one of the charity's nine hospices, while giving their families emotional and practical support.
0 Comments
